


Drake & Josh Kill Megan

by scrollerkey



Category: Drake & Josh
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 15:13:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15609042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrollerkey/pseuds/scrollerkey
Summary: Drake and Josh have had enough of their deviant little sister's malicious pranks. It is high time that they do something about it.





	1. Prologue

This adventure started like any other adventure - Drake and Josh spent their respective times reflecting on a past event that would relate to what was to come. Foreshadowing? Of course.

Josh sat alone at the kitchen table, and Drake sat by himself on his bed, guitar in hand.

“You want to know someone who has been a bug on my shoulder for the last 4 years?” Josh spoke into the void.

“You want to know who the little girl version of a bunch of fruit flies is?” Drake asked the same void while plucking a few notes on his killer red electric guitar.

Unanimously, the two uttered: “Megan.”

“Anytime anything good has happened in my life, I feel that same bitter bite on my shoulder.” said Josh.

“And these fruit flies all have a bunch of little tasers!” emphasized Drake.

“Time and time again, I have tried to tell Mom and Dad about what a little demon she is, but they just never believe me,” said Josh.

Gazing deeper into the void, Drake angrily spouted, “And of course, Mom and Walter are too dumb to see the true nature of their vile little, fly-like daughter.”

“I just think that it is about time that I take this little problem into my own hands…” said Josh in a lowered, serious voice.

“I’m just dying to actually get something done for once. This is just getting ridiculous,” and Drake cut off his tethered gaze to the void and continued to strum his guitar.

Josh, having left the influence of the void, returned with a fly-swatter in hand. On the table in front of him, a small fly was slowly walking across one of the wooden grooves. After locking eyes on his prey, Josh slammed the fly-swatter atop the fly, utilizing his many years of ping pong-related hand-eye coordination. The fly, now a stretchy mess of guts and severed limbs acting as a tether between the tabletop and the fly-swatter, gazed into the void, itself, while Josh screered a massive grin across his face.


	2. Chapter 1

Later that day, Josh was sitting on the couch in he and his brother’s bedroom, working on tonight’s Calculus assignment. His homework notebook seemed to be teeming with intricate displays of mathematical prowess, and as he dotted the last period of his final proof, his Calculus textbook exploded into a mess of black ink. The entire couch and coffee table was covered completely black; Josh’s notebook was now a soggy and flabby black tablet of nothingness, and his face was equally caked in ink. Rather than screaming in rage, Josh’s expression remained solemn - he kept his position sitting on the couch and sat in unaffected silence. Soon, the black ink on his cheeks started to wash away with the gentle stream of tears that welled out from his eyes; hours and hours of meticulous work and careful study have been wasted yet again by the malicious pranks of his dastardly sister. He put his hands on his eyes and his elbows on his lap and began to sob. About ten minutes later, the bedroom door bursted open an angry, hand-bandaged Drake.

“Josh!” Drake shouted angrily, “We have to do something about Megan.” The charcoaled Josh ended his solemn weep and turned to face his anguished brother.

“What happened to you, Drake?” Josh asked.

“Do you not see this?” Drake rose up his right hand, which was completely wrapped in bandages. “She did this to me! Tonight was going to be one of my biggest gigs yet, and she knew. This afternoon, I came home from school for lunch and tried to grab some toast from the toaster. Before I knew it, it clamped down on my fingers.” Drake began to tear up. “Josh...I lost my thumb and pointer finger. I’ll never be able to play the guitar again.” After that, Drake sprinted across the room to grab his electric guitar. With his left hand, he grabbed it by its neck.

“Drake, what are you doing?” asked a concerned Josh.

With a thrust of anger, Drake exclaimed: “She’s taken everything from me!” and he slammed his guitar onto the ground, rendering it in two, useless pieces. He collapsed to his knees and his teary eyes evolved into a weeping sob.

The two brothers sat at opposite sides of the room, letting their independent yet shared anguish fester. As night fell upon the family’s household, Josh and Drake went to bed, skipping dinner and not speaking a word to one another.


	3. Chapter 2

The next morning, the family gathered for breakfast. At the kitchen table sat Drake, Josh, their mother, Walter, and Megan. The five ate breakfast and passed around the various dishes, eggs, toast, and hash browns. Drake and Josh remained silent during this time. As their mother passed Drake the hash browns, she looked down at his bandaged hand.

“That’s a real shame what happened during wood shop class, yesterday.” their mother said.

“Yeah, you’d think that the school would have some sort of safety precautions instituted,” said Walter in an almost sarcastic tone, eyes bulged.

Drake remained staring at his plate.

“Mommy, I don’t want that to happen to me when I get to high school!” exclaimed Megan is a pseudo-panicked voice.

“Oh, don’t worry, honey. A little angel like you doesn’t need to worry about working in such degrading, blue collar work.” reassured her mother with a little smile and gentle hand touch.

Megan locked her gaze at Drake and stretched a devious smile. Drake kept his gaze locked at his untouched plate. A few moments later, Walter re-struck up conversation.

“Oh, Josh, how did studying go last night for your big math exam? I know that it was a take-home exam, so I’m sure that you cranked it out real easy. Huh, son?” Walter smiled as he let dribblets of egg fall out of his mouth and back onto his plate.

Like his stone-faced brother, Josh kept his eyes locked onto his equally as untouched plate. From across the table, Megan shot at Josh another antagonizing, maniacal glare with an equally as wicked smile.

Just then, Drake shot up from the table and stated, “It is time that Josh and I head to school. Thank you for breakfast, Mom.” Following in suit, Josh got up, and the two brothers left the kitchen, grabbing their respective backpacks on the way out. Josh returned to grab his keys and then continued his departure.

On the way to school, Drake repeated similar sentiments as he said before to Josh: “Josh, we need to do something about Megan. I have had enough with her bullshit that Walter and Mom keep eating up.”

“Drake, I know…” began Josh.

“No, Josh, you don’t understand. We’ve always said that we are going to do something about Megan, but we never do! This time, I’m serious... _ dead _ serious.”

“OK, well, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, but I’m burning to do something. She has ruined my life with her last stunt, and she can’t just get away with it. Not anymore.”

“You know that math exam I was working on yesterday?” asked Josh as he redirected his attention from the road to Drake.

“No?” confusedly spouted Drake.

“That exam was going to be my guarantee of getting into Harvard, Drake,” Josh further emphasized, “Harvard! ...But Megan ruined my chances of even having my application delivered. You think she ruined your life? Drake, at this rate, I’ll be working at the Premiere for the rest of my God damned life!” he screamed, his face flushed.

“OK, so what should we do about our little problem?” asked Drake.

Josh was about to respond, but he hesitated for a few moments until he continued, “Since I have become Assistant Manager at the Premiere, Helen has given me access to more...lucrative tools.”

“Yeah, go on,” pressured an eager Drake.

With a bit of a nervous stutter, Josh continued, “I’m thinking that next time I head into work, I could try and snag one of these tools to use to our...” he paused, “...advantage.”

“What do you mean?” asked Drake.

“Since I was promoted,” said Josh, “I have been in charge of opening new movie reels. They usually come in heavily packaged cardboard boxes, so I’ve been allowed to use a box cutter to slice them open.”

“Yeah?” asked Drake. After a few moments, he spoke again, “Wait, what are you saying?”

Lowering his head and voice, Josh said, “Megan has been causing us pain and suffering for almost our entire lives. If we don’t stop her soon enough, she’ll likely kill us. Drake, it is time that we actually fight back.”

“Don’t you think that would be a little...excessive?” inquired Drake.

“Dude, she fucking cut off your fingers. The least we can do is dish out a little pay-back. You know, eye-for-an-eye?” Josh responded.

“So we gouge out her eyes?” Drake asked with an eager voice.

“No!” exclaimed Josh, “She ruined our lives, so we just need to do something that’ll equally ruin her life.”

“Oh, OK. Yeah, sure, I’m on board for this,” said Drake, “Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it.”

Josh thought for a few moments and said, “All right, then I’ll need you to meet me outside of Megan’s bedroom tonight at 3 a.m. wearing a ski mask. She should be sound asleep by then, and she usually doesn’t lock her door when she’s home. Then, we’ll do what we have to.”

“What do you have in mind,” asked Drake.

“I don’t know. We could try cutting off one of her thumbs. I know that she uses computers a lot, and that would probably ruin that for her.” said Josh.

“Josh, do you know our sister? She’ll probably just install some bionic thumb and then murder us. We need to do something more drastic.” urged Drake.

“We could try cutting off multiple fingers, then. I’m not sure what else we could do to her.” said Josh.

“Fine, I recommend that we cut off both of her thumbs and pointer fingers,” suggested Drake.

“No, we should cut off random ones. If we do that, she’s bound to figure out that it was us,” said Josh.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” concurred Drake. He continued, “OK, so I will meet you outside Megan’s room tonight with a ski mask. Got it.”

“All right,” said Josh with a little smile.

As the two brothers sat together in their travel to school, content with their new plan, Drake giddily thought aloud, “I can’t wait to actually do something for once.” Josh’s expanding grin seemed to agree.


	4. Chapter 3: The Passion

After school, Josh drove his car to the Premiere and Drake had his current girlfriend drop him back off at his house. At the Premiere, Josh was extra cautious - he made sure that he was especially obedient and nonchalant. As his shift was coming to an end, he told his fellow co-workers that he would close up for the night. After everyone left, he went to the storage closet and used his Assistant Manager’s key to unlock an inconspicuous toolbox. Inside was a partially rusted, yellow handled box cutter. Josh grabbed it, cranked out its blade to its full length (about an inch and a half), retracted its blade, and then put it in his pocket. He closed and locked the toolbox, then the closet, and then the Premiere, itself. With a skip in his step, Josh walked to his car and drove home.

When Josh returned home, all was normal. The lights were off as it was 11 p.m. and most of the family had already gone to bed. He walked upstairs to his bedroom, shed his work clothes, and laid in his bed. Across the room, Drake was lying in his bed, twiddling what seemed to be marbles in his left hand. A few moments after Josh situated himself in his bed, Drake called out in a whisper.

“What are we going to do about Mom and Walter?” he asked.

Josh was staring up at the vaulted ceiling of his room, seeming to take a genuine interest in how each beam met with one another. He responded, “Mom and Dad have a set of earmuffs in their top dresser drawer. Before we make our move, I’ll sneak into their room and put the earmuffs on them.”

“Cool,” said Drake while nodding his head, but he soon retorted, “Wait, why do we need to put earmuffs on them? It is like 80 degrees outside.”

“Dad has sensitive ears,” Josh responded sarcastically. He then shouted in an agitated whisper, “So they don’t hear us dealing with Megan!”

“Josh, I’m the king of sneaking,” said Drake, “We won’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll be like a puma!”

Josh took a deep breath in and said politely, “Drake, just do as I say, OK?”

“Uchh, fine…” Drake said, “I’ll see you at three. Good night.” And he shifted his body around so that he would lay on his side, facing away from Josh’s side of the room.

Drake eventually fell asleep, murmuring a gentle snore. Josh lay restless in his bed, having his thumb protrude and retract the blade of the box cutter in a seeming anticipation of what was to come in just a few hours. Outside his bed, Josh dangled his left foot; it bounced up and down in the rhythm of his heart. In his head, he started to go through different scenarios of how tonight’s encounter would go - no matter what happened, each scenario ended in catharsis. The deeper he dug into his own fantasies, the more his bed began to shake, until next to his bed, his digital clock went off. It was 2:45 a.m. The time to act was nearly upon him.

Josh shot up out of bed and went to his closet where he dressed up in his blackest garb, put on gloves, and pulled a ski mask over his face. He made sure to retract the box cutter one last time and insert it into his right back pocket. Then, he began his delicate march towards his parents’ bedroom - there, they lay deep in slumber, sprawled across the bed. Walter seemed to be delegated to one sliver of the mattress while his wife, like a starfish, encompassed the rest of the bed. Josh entered the bedroom carefully, making sure to step on the parts of the floor he knew were supported by studs. He approached the dresser which was at the front of the room and opened its top drawer. Just as he expected, there lay a pair of two earmuffs, both of whose colors were indistinguishable in the darkness. Josh grabbed the pair and tip-toed over to the bed where his unconscious parents lay. Delicately, he placed a set of earmuffs on both of his parents’ heads and tip-toed out of the room. As he left, his miscalculated a step and a squeak erupted from the floorboards - nothing. His parents didn’t move a muscle, besides the gentle rise and depression of their chests. Josh relaxed his gate and made his way towards Megan’s room.

On the way, Josh slammed his legs into a large, dark mass, and he jumped upwards and flailed out his arms in a way that mimicked a stereotypical kung-fu stance.

“Why hello there, brother,” spoke the dark mass.

“Jesus, Drake, I could have sliced you open!” Josh exasperatedly said.

“Sure you would have,” Drake said as he erected himself out of his ball-form, “I told you that I was a master of stealth.”

“Whatever, Drake, I don’t have time for your games. Just do what I say, OK?” Josh asked.

In a mimicking tone, Drake put his hands on his hips and responded, “Sure thing, boss.”

Now calmed down, Josh said, “All right, then let’s just get in there and get this over with. Drake, I’ll need you to stand by the bed and keep watch of the door. I will do the rest.” Drake quietly nodded in acknowledgment.

The two approached the closed door of Megan’s bedroom. Quietly, Josh jostled the door knob until it opened up. Inside was the decorated bedroom of a seemingly innocent little girl. Like always, none of her gadgets were out on display, so the room looked completely normal. Carefully, the two boys closed the door behind them and made their way towards their sister’s bed, where she rested in bliss, completely unaware of the soon-to-be-manifested torment she has caused her brothers for so many years.

Megan was tucked into her bed, so her arms were underneath her blankets. She was wearing a pink, unicorn-patterned onesie and was underneath her equally as pink, equally as unicorn-patterned comforter. She rested her head atop one fluffy pillow, but there were several other, more firm pillows located around her headboard. When she was asleep in her bedroom, Megan truly looked like any ordinary little girl… That was a passing thought in the two brothers’ heads as they now loomed over the soon-to-be recipient of their rage.

Josh grabbed her comforter by her head and unraveled it down the bed until her arms and hands were visible. She was lying on her back, hands to her sides. Josh shot a glance at Drake, which caused him to jump a bit and turn his attention towards the door. Then, Josh carefully pushed out the blade of the box cutter, one notch at a time until it was at its full length. The rusted blade appeared to get caught a few notches in, but by adding a bit more force, Josh was able to push it all the way through. Now with the fully erected box cutter in his right hand, Josh delicately picked up his sister’s limp right arm and placed his hand underneath her fingers in order to give his blade some leverage. He touched the cold, almost serrated steel against his sister's finger and hesitated to go any further. He looked back up at her sleeping face, then he looked over at Drake who was staring at the door in a panicked stance, and then he looked back down at his sister’s hand, where he had his blade situated right on top of her right index finger. Josh closed his eyes and began to push down, and then he pushed down even harder. Moments later, the bed began to stir as a once unconscious body sprung back to awareness and started to jitter and writhe in panic.

Josh opened his eyes again to see that his blade had barely gone through his sister’s finger, but was deep enough to start drawing blood. Megan, now starting to scream, tried to pull her hand away from Josh’s grip, but he tightened his hand and kept pushing his blade in deeper. Megan’s screams started to get louder and more bloody. Josh looked at Drake and shouted, “Do something!” Drake stopped his dawdling and looked panickedly at the situation. A moment later, he pounced over to the bed and grabbed one of Megan’s other, more firm pillows and pressed it against her face, muffling her screams. Megan kept squirming, so Drake tried to lower his grip on the pillow so that he could also pin her shoulders. As he did that, screams started to escape the muffled chamber. Josh, realizing that he wasn’t going to be making much progress with the finger, pulled out the now bloodied blade and crawled atop Megan’s bed, effectively mounting her. With a furious and full-strength jab, Josh lunged the box cutter into the side of Megan’s neck, and then he pulled with his entire weight across her body, slowly dragging the blade across her throat. Now a fully open wound, blood began to pour out of her neck and all over the bed, and soon, the muffled scream transformed into a muffled gurgle. After about 20 seconds of gradually decreasing struggling, Megan stopped squirming and her entire body was rendered limp and lifeless.

Josh looked at his visibly shaken brother. Drake’s eyes were starting to tear up, and he began to trip on his own breaths. Josh said calmly, “We need to make this look like a break in, and we need to get rid of these clothes. Once we get back, I’ll take the earmuffs off of Mom and Dad and get their attention. If they ask what happened, say that we heard a burglar and went downstairs.” Josh lifted his bloodied, gloved hand and placed it on his brother’s shoulder and said, “You have to do as I say, all right?” Drake nodded and stopped forcing the pillow over his deceased sister’s head.

As the brothers left their sister’s bedroom, they closed the door behind them, leaving blood smeared on the knob. The two went downstairs and headed into the garage. Once inside, Josh grabbed a canister of gasoline from the ground and a box of matches from a shelf and took the exit out into their backyard, where a compost-burning barrel sat towards the back of the yard. The two of them shed their stealth outfits and placed them into the barrel; Josh poured gasoline over the clothes, and then lit a match and threw it inside, causing the barrel to almost explode in an eruption of flame. They then went back inside the house and went into their bedroom, where they changed back into their previous outfits, and then they went back outside and waited for the fire to die down. Once it seemed like the outfits were nothing but ash, Josh poured some water into the barrel, and the two went back inside. Josh gave Drake a crowbar from the garage and told him to bust open the front door, which he then proceeded to do. Josh then used the same crowbar to smash in the frosted glass windows that were adjacent to the front door. Next, he returned the crowbar to the garage and then went back upstairs to his parents’ bedroom. Swiftly, he removed the earmuffs from his sound asleep parents, returned them to their appropriate drawer, and headed back downstairs to meet up with Drake. Once downstairs, he walked over to a nearby vase and whispered to Drake.

“I’m going to knock this over and wake them up. Pretend like you just came down the stairs and act panicked,” said Josh.

Drake seemed almost ghostly pale, but he just nodded his head to his brother’s demand. Josh then kicked the vase over and it smashed to the ground, filling the entire house with its violent shattering. A few moments later, activity could be heard from the upstairs, and soon, Walter and the brothers’ mother came rushing down the stairs. Almost instantly, Josh snapped into a shocked and panicked state, while Drake remained silent and shaken.

“What happened here?” asked Walter before he reached the front door.

Josh quickly responded, “We thought we heard someone break in so we rushed downstairs a little bit ago and-and,” and he pointed at the busted glass on the floor and the ajar front door.

Now growing more stern and furious, Walter said, “Did you call the police?”

“No, not yet, we just got down here, and-” Josh was cut off by his father.

“Call the police. Tell them there was a break-in. I’m going to go and check on your sister,” and then Walter rushed upstairs, his wife following in suit.

Josh went into the kitchen, grabbed the phone, and dialed 9-1-1. As he was put on the line, he heard a scream come from the upstairs. The operator greeted him and asked for the emergency. Josh began to tell her that there was a break-in, and as he began to recite his address, Walter came sprinting down the stairs.

“Call an ambulance!” he screamed.

Drake stood completely still, seemingly unphased by everything that was going on around him. Josh finished giving the address and then, panicked, added that they needed an ambulance, too.

Walter looked at Drake and yelled, “What are you doing? Go upstairs and help your sister, God damn it!” As if knocked out of a trance, Drake snapped back to reality, looked his father in the eyes, and then ran upstairs. Walter then marched over to Josh, who was still speaking to the operator over the phone. He then shouted aloud, “Tell them that we need an ambulance now! Our daughter has been attacked! Do it, Josh!” Josh kept talking to the operator but began to sob, and then Walter snatched the phone from him and began screaming at the operator.

Josh left the kitchen and then went into the backyard through the garage. Once outside, he stood still, staring at the barrel. Then, he pulled out from his pocket the box cutter, currently retracted and no longer bloody. He held it behind his back and started to push its blade in and out with his thumb while tapping his foot on the ground. After a few minutes, he could hear sirens coming from the distance, but he kept toying with his rusted box cutter, his tool of vengeance, his reaper of justice, his status of victory, his mark in history… And his last act as a victim of tyranny.

THE END


End file.
